Most people can hardly comprehend how devastating it can be to lose your best friend. Trust me: it's even more devastating when that "best friend" is a sociopath.
In the months following my abandonment by my sociopath and my subsequent discovery that he was never who I thought he was, I fell into a deeper depression than I have ever felt in my life. Most friends couldn't understand it and even became frustrated with me. All I ever wanted to do was talk about him, analyze his behaviors, cry and grieve over losing the person I thought I'd known. Many of them couldn't understand why I couldn't just snap out of it. It was sad, sure. But he was just a friend. Friends came and went all the time, right? My behavior was over the top.
What those friends couldn't understand though, was that while yes, we were "just friends," we weren't "just friends"...one of us was a sociopath, and the other was the sociopath's target. In plain English, what this means is that while I was his friend aka target, he was actively doing everything I needed him to do in order for me to be emotionally bonded to him so he could use me and abuse me without me ever asking questions. He, like all Sociopaths, read people. They assess their targets, They learn their targets deepest desires, fears, needs. And then whatever the most desperate need of their target's heart is, they FILL that need. During this manipulation phase, they say everything you need to hear. They flatter you and build you up, make you feel so good about yourself you might as well be flying. They are there anytime you need them, because they "love" you.
Then, one day, that is gone, and you find out that person who loved you didn't. You learn that person you loved wasn't even real. You find out these real feelings you had remain real while for them, they've moved on to the next, not even giving you a second thought. Suddenly, someone who was a part of every single day of your life is simply gone. He used to be the first person I'd call if I had a bad day or the first person I'd call if I had good news. Now, I could no longer pick up the phone and reach him, because he wasn't on the other end. I saw him almost every day. We'd have lunch, see movies, just talk. Without warning, he was gone.
There's nothing in my life that wasn't touched by him. My guest room I hardly want to go into because he slept there a lot of nights. I remember him in the kitchen cooking for me the day I had surgery. A lot of my favorite movies I don't want to watch because I have good memories of watching them with him. He was such an integral part of my everyday life, like family. Then there was a hole in my life, and no matter how betrayed I felt by him or how angry I was, I still felt so empty...so lonely.
It was like someone had died, only they hadn't, because they'd never even been real in the first place. The Clark I knew was a Clark wearing a mask, a mask that made him what I needed him to be in order for him to con me. And knowing he never really existed hurts most of all. Sometimes I have trouble remembering that the Clark I knew, loved and the Clark that is an unfeeling, selfish sociopath are the same person. I still think about the Clark I knew, and I miss him. I miss things we did together, times we shared, the laughs. Then, that yields to me just being pissed off, because I remember how he used to talk to me, and I get so angry thinking how could he do this to me, after everything? But then I remember, it's because he never really was.
And it hurts. It hurts because there is this gaping hole in my life that I grieve as though someone had died. Only I wish I didn't grieve him, because he doesn't deserve to be grieved. But I do, because I knew this wonderful feeling of someone who was aware of me and what I needed, who always thought to check on me or be there. And now he's not there, because he never was. I hate that I still feel empty and still feel loss when he doesn't have to feel this hole I feel.
I guess what I'm saying is, I wish he had been real. The person I knew and trusted, the person I thought was my best friend in the world...I wish he had been real.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
So Many Crazies, So Little Time
There are a lot of things that should've clued me in that something with Clark wasn't right. Then again, there were a lot of things; I just ignored them. How could I not? After all, if there was one thing he was good at, it was showing me, his target, everything I needed to see to believe that he was a great person and that anyone who said one word against him must just not know him very well.
Looking back, though, there were so many signs. There were wild claims of things he'd done when there seemed to be no evidence of this past aside from his tales about it. He also had many a serious pity ploy, which many books say is the closest thing to a warning stamp on a Sociopath you'll ever see. However, those things are for later blogs, because today, I want to talk about another sign I should've noticed...
There were way too many "crazy" people in his past as well as way too many people who "hated him for no reason." The second or third time I was alone with him, he confided in me about his "crazy" ex-boyfriend (we'll call him Andy) who was abusive, had once pulled a knife on him after chasing him in his car, and at a separate time, had tried to poison him. And though I never saw him, Andy would occassionally "show up" in town, call Clark, or otherwise harrass Clark, which would cause a massive pity event.
There was another girl I knew, we'll call her Mallory, who moved from town just as I was coming into his life. When I first met her, I had the impression the two of them were very close friends. However, when she moved, I got a very different story. She was "crazy" and "obsessed with him." He would tell me all kinds of stories ranging from how she would watch him sleep (they were roommates) to how she embezzled money from the company they ran together.
There would be several people in town who he would tell me had a vendetta against him for no reason or even worse...they hated him because he "was gay." They would talk badly about him, not support his company and tell others not to support his company because they were "crazy." And there did seem to be an awful lot of people who seemed to dislike him or have grudges against him. But I just couldn't understand it; all I'd ever seen was this sweet, wonderful person who I'd come to think of as my best friend.
Well, when I was discarded, I started to learn more about Clark and what he was, and I began to learn more about sociopathy and targets. I also found out the truth about these "crazy" people. They were me. They weren't crazy; they were past targets who'd found out, just like I had, what Clark was. So, in order to avoid the risk of them exposing him to people who liked Clark, he painted them as crazy. He would tell all of the current people on his radar, particularly his current target, wild (false) stories about his past targets to totally destroy their credibility. For target Andy, it was that he was an attempted murderer. He's not. He's actually a normal guy who was never charged with anything as Clark told me. I know. I've spoken to him. For the girl Mallory, she was a creepily obsessed with him and an embezzler. Those are just two; I have actually talked to several others. Me? I'm apparently an obsessed stalker who talked horribly about a lot of people he associated with.
It's not a bad plan, I guess. People don't want to believe their neighbor or their friend or the teacher could, well, not have a conscience. People want to believe the best of people, even when all the signs say they shouldn't. If someone has a choice of admitting someone they know is a sociopath or thinking someone is just scorned and bitter and "crazy," it's much easier for them to believe the "crazy" version. Not to mention of course, that sociopaths are convincing enough, charismatic enough, can spin enough stories, and tell enough lies to make sure they look like the victim instead of their targets.
So, let this be a lesson to you: one "crazy" = maybe. Two "crazy"= hazy. Three "crazy"= scorsese. As in, you need to run like you're being chased by a guy with a gun in a Martin Scorsese film!
Looking back, though, there were so many signs. There were wild claims of things he'd done when there seemed to be no evidence of this past aside from his tales about it. He also had many a serious pity ploy, which many books say is the closest thing to a warning stamp on a Sociopath you'll ever see. However, those things are for later blogs, because today, I want to talk about another sign I should've noticed...
There were way too many "crazy" people in his past as well as way too many people who "hated him for no reason." The second or third time I was alone with him, he confided in me about his "crazy" ex-boyfriend (we'll call him Andy) who was abusive, had once pulled a knife on him after chasing him in his car, and at a separate time, had tried to poison him. And though I never saw him, Andy would occassionally "show up" in town, call Clark, or otherwise harrass Clark, which would cause a massive pity event.
There was another girl I knew, we'll call her Mallory, who moved from town just as I was coming into his life. When I first met her, I had the impression the two of them were very close friends. However, when she moved, I got a very different story. She was "crazy" and "obsessed with him." He would tell me all kinds of stories ranging from how she would watch him sleep (they were roommates) to how she embezzled money from the company they ran together.
There would be several people in town who he would tell me had a vendetta against him for no reason or even worse...they hated him because he "was gay." They would talk badly about him, not support his company and tell others not to support his company because they were "crazy." And there did seem to be an awful lot of people who seemed to dislike him or have grudges against him. But I just couldn't understand it; all I'd ever seen was this sweet, wonderful person who I'd come to think of as my best friend.
Well, when I was discarded, I started to learn more about Clark and what he was, and I began to learn more about sociopathy and targets. I also found out the truth about these "crazy" people. They were me. They weren't crazy; they were past targets who'd found out, just like I had, what Clark was. So, in order to avoid the risk of them exposing him to people who liked Clark, he painted them as crazy. He would tell all of the current people on his radar, particularly his current target, wild (false) stories about his past targets to totally destroy their credibility. For target Andy, it was that he was an attempted murderer. He's not. He's actually a normal guy who was never charged with anything as Clark told me. I know. I've spoken to him. For the girl Mallory, she was a creepily obsessed with him and an embezzler. Those are just two; I have actually talked to several others. Me? I'm apparently an obsessed stalker who talked horribly about a lot of people he associated with.
It's not a bad plan, I guess. People don't want to believe their neighbor or their friend or the teacher could, well, not have a conscience. People want to believe the best of people, even when all the signs say they shouldn't. If someone has a choice of admitting someone they know is a sociopath or thinking someone is just scorned and bitter and "crazy," it's much easier for them to believe the "crazy" version. Not to mention of course, that sociopaths are convincing enough, charismatic enough, can spin enough stories, and tell enough lies to make sure they look like the victim instead of their targets.
So, let this be a lesson to you: one "crazy" = maybe. Two "crazy"= hazy. Three "crazy"= scorsese. As in, you need to run like you're being chased by a guy with a gun in a Martin Scorsese film!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Introductions and Misconceptions
There are a lot of misconceptions about sociopaths. When people hear that word, most of them think of a person like the fictional Hannibal Lecter: a bloodthirsty monster who kills and kills until he's either caught or dies himself. That is the image that sort of used to come to my mind, too.
Now, the image in my head is very different. Today, when I hear the word sociopath, I immediately am flooded with images of charisma, charming manipulation, a chasm of deceit, pain, tears, lies...but not murder. I'm also overwhelmed with images of the face of someone I once considered my best friend in the world.
That's another misconception: that sociopaths who are "con men" only target romantic interests. And while the majority of targets probably are romantic or sexual interests, they are definitely not the only targets. I know, because I was "just a friend" to "my" sociopath. But I can tell you this: I may not have shared marital assets with my sociopath, but he was still a tornado who rampaged my world, leaving only the very shell of a house standing in his wake.
I've learned that even if a sociopath isn't a killer in the literal sense, he actually kills all of the time. He manipulates, sucks life out of his targets, and then leaves them to realize what he was, emotionally, professionally, and/or financially devastated as he moves on to his next unfortunate victim. Sociopaths do not feel remorse; they do not have consciencea, though as you'll read over the next few blog posts, they are very good at mimicking emotions. The know the difference between right and wrong. They simply don't care.
I decided to write this blog, because when I began to learn what my sociopath was--we'll call him Clark--I scoured the net for information. I was like a desert plant guzzling at any droplet I could find. The tough part was, I couldn't find much information by targets, and especially not information from targets who were "just friends." (More on "just friends" later). I wanted others like me who are one day frantically googling "sociopath" hoping to come across something like this to be able to find this and know they aren't the only one.
So, in the coming days, I will tell you some of the things I've learned. I will tell you some of the things I should've recognized sooner so maybe you can recognize them should you ever come across someone like this. Sociopaths aren't all killers. Some of them are flatterers and "fun" people, because they will show you exactly what you need to see to get you "hooked" once you have been targeted. This is the mask they will wear while they lie to you, use you, and play games with you. They can look like your Sunday school teacher or your doctor...and they can look like your best friend.
Now, the image in my head is very different. Today, when I hear the word sociopath, I immediately am flooded with images of charisma, charming manipulation, a chasm of deceit, pain, tears, lies...but not murder. I'm also overwhelmed with images of the face of someone I once considered my best friend in the world.
That's another misconception: that sociopaths who are "con men" only target romantic interests. And while the majority of targets probably are romantic or sexual interests, they are definitely not the only targets. I know, because I was "just a friend" to "my" sociopath. But I can tell you this: I may not have shared marital assets with my sociopath, but he was still a tornado who rampaged my world, leaving only the very shell of a house standing in his wake.
I've learned that even if a sociopath isn't a killer in the literal sense, he actually kills all of the time. He manipulates, sucks life out of his targets, and then leaves them to realize what he was, emotionally, professionally, and/or financially devastated as he moves on to his next unfortunate victim. Sociopaths do not feel remorse; they do not have consciencea, though as you'll read over the next few blog posts, they are very good at mimicking emotions. The know the difference between right and wrong. They simply don't care.
I decided to write this blog, because when I began to learn what my sociopath was--we'll call him Clark--I scoured the net for information. I was like a desert plant guzzling at any droplet I could find. The tough part was, I couldn't find much information by targets, and especially not information from targets who were "just friends." (More on "just friends" later). I wanted others like me who are one day frantically googling "sociopath" hoping to come across something like this to be able to find this and know they aren't the only one.
So, in the coming days, I will tell you some of the things I've learned. I will tell you some of the things I should've recognized sooner so maybe you can recognize them should you ever come across someone like this. Sociopaths aren't all killers. Some of them are flatterers and "fun" people, because they will show you exactly what you need to see to get you "hooked" once you have been targeted. This is the mask they will wear while they lie to you, use you, and play games with you. They can look like your Sunday school teacher or your doctor...and they can look like your best friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)